Harry's Revenge
by Torrential Zephyr
Summary: Chapter 8 is up - the story is hereby complete! This is a Draco/Harry love story, with Ginny mixed in for good measure. There aren't any sex scenes in here (just kisses), but Harry does curse quite a bit; it is for this reason that I am rating this PG-13
1. Harry's Revenge Prologue

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

A/N:  Here's the prologue of the saga, "Harry's Revenge".  Please note that this prologue sort of evolved from an actual story I had written.  This version has been extremely modified, as the real story, "Secrets of Hogwarts", was all too disturbing to post as a prologue to "Harry's Revenge".

Harry's Revenge

Prologue

Harry tossed in his bed on Privet Drive as his thoughts turned to Hogwarts and his up-coming school year.  Harry was very confused with the various feelings he had for some of his friends (and enemies) at Hogwarts.  Deeply disturbed as he was that Ron's kid sister, Ginny, had a rather unhealthy infatuation with him, Harry decided he would have to set her straight about his feelings towards her.  Also confusing Harry, were his newfound feelings towards Draco Malfoy.  More and more during the summer, Harry had wished that he had taken up Malfoy's offer of friendship during their first meeting at Hogwarts.

"God, if only I shook his hand!  I know from the first moment I saw him in Madam Malkin's that we should be friends...  Or more than friends..." Harry said as he stood up to gaze longingly at the moon, thinking of Draco's perfectly proportioned face and his gray eyes...

*~*~*

Far away from Privet Drive, one other Hogwarts student was gazing at the moon through his open window.

"Ah, that breeze feels so good... warm and sweet.  Kind of like the breath of my beloved Pott—"

Draco cut off, his face suddenly stony.

"Damn that Potter.  And these feelings!  I've never felt this way before...  But... surely I don't... *love* that freaking Potter.  I insult him all the time.  Why though?"

Draco paused thoughtfully, and then realized, "It's all his fault.  If he wasn't so bloody stuck up, I wouldn't be so unnecessarily mean.  If only he had held my hand when I tenderly held it out to him that fateful day at Hogwarts..."

Sadly, Draco walked to his bed, and fell asleep imagining the one and only, Harry Potter.

*~*~*

A whistle blew at King's Cross Station on the morning of September first as Harry thought wistfully of Draco (not knowing that Draco shared his feelings), but was interrupted as the large and rambunctious Weasley clan.  Harry smiled and waved at his friend, Ron, and glared at Ginny, whose shy smile faltered at the sight of Harry's malicious demeanor.

"Hi, Harry!" Ron said happily.  "I see you survived the Dursleys."

"Yeah, just barely, though," Harry replied.

Hermione Granger soon joined Harry and the Weasleys as they made their way towards platform 9 and 3/4.  Just a moment after Hermione had joined the group, Harry spotted Draco, in all his glory.

His lackeys, Crabbe and Goyle, flanked Draco as he walked through King's Cross Station, sneering at all the Muggles.  As they neared the barrier that led to the platform, Draco caught a glimpse of Harry Potter.  For a moment, Draco was left speechless, until he realized Potter was staring back.  Draco shouted an insult uncontrollably.  "Hey, Scarhead, can't make it to the train without Weasel?"  Appalled that he could say such a thing to Harry, Draco quickly looked away from the hurt expression on Harry's face. 

The school year began normally enough for both Harry and Draco.  However, the feelings within their bodies intensified with their every chance meeting.

Halloween

The Halloween Feast 

By Halloween, Harry could barely contain himself every time he saw Draco.  Harry was gazing at Draco from across the Great Hall when Hermione suddenly said, "Harry, what on earth are you doing?  Every time we're in the Great Hall or Potions class, your face constantly has a glazed look.  Ron's noticed it too.  We're worried about you Harry.  What's going on?"

How could she ever understand? Harry thought.  Instead of replying, Harry stared into his plate, and shrugged his shoulders.

"Fine!" Hermione said in an exasperated voice.  "I'm going to get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I do."

She hurriedly gathered her books, and rushed off to the library.

Harry rolled his eyes, and thought, 'Typical.  Luckily for me, there's nothing in the library she's going to find.'

However, instead of continuing to stare at Draco, Harry thought it would be wise to continue as if nothing had happened, and began discussing Quidditch with Ron.

After the Halloween feast, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors set off to the dormitories to finish their homework.  Before they had reached the doors, however, Harry was violently pushed forward as someone slammed him hard from behind.  About to tell the shovee off, Harry turned, his expression turning quickly from anger to surprise.  Draco had shoved him, and was grinning at Crabbe and Goyle.  Harry stalked away from the scene torn between lust and loathing for that damn Draco Malfoy.

Halloween

Before the Feast 

Draco wrote feverishly on a small piece of parchment as he quickly formed a plan to get to Harry.

Halloween

After the Feast, in Gryffindor Dormitory 

Harry told Ron and Hermione what happened in the Great Hall when Draco pushed him.

"That--" (Ron called Draco something that made Hermione say, 'RON!') "He had no right to do that to you!"

Hermione, however, refrained from speaking as she eyed Harry's sorrowful expression suspiciously.

Thinking quickly, Harry stated that he was exhausted, and went up to the boy's dormitory.

As Harry undressed, he unconsciously emptied the contents of the pockets of his robe, and was surprised to find a piece of parchment carefully folded within it.  "What the…" Harry muttered to himself.  He unfolded the parchment and silently read:

'Dearest Harry,

I have admired you from afar, cleverly masking my emotions with a veil of hatred.  However, the time has come for me to tell you how I really feel.  Please meet me in the trophy room at midnight on Wednesday.

Draco Malfoy'

Harry's heart leapt as he saw Draco's signature.  "Well," he said quietly, putting the parchment inside a library book, "I reckon it's time to take out my father's cloak again…"

After anxiously waiting for three days, Harry quietly slipped between the curtains of his four-post bed fifteen minutes to midnight, and put on his invisibility cloak as he crept out of the room.  Moments later, he arrived at the trophy room, where he found Draco pacing; evidently waiting for Harry.  Silently, Harry pulled off the cloak, and approached Draco, tenderly stroking his neck.  With a start, Draco turned to face Harry, and his expression softened.

"I see you got my note," Draco said sheepishly.  "I... I wasn't sure you would come."

"I'd do anything for you," Harry said, unable to suppress the longing in his voice.

"Yeah, well, anyway, there's something I've been waiting to say for months.  Harry, I think I'm gay."

"Yeah, me too.  How long have you known that you are gay?" Harry inquired. 

"This summer.  I imagined a summer breeze as your sweet breath."

Harry smiled.  "I've known for years.  My cousin, Dudley, has a friend…  He and I shared a rather intimate experience when we were 6."  He paused.  "However, my feelings have changed since I've been at Hogwarts."

Draco smiled.  Sitting on a bench, he coyly gestured Harry to sit with him.  Draco's shy gestures lead to what would become nearly a week of passion.  

After waking late one morning following a passionate night with Draco, Harry could be seen flying down the corridors, and through the door to the dungeon.  After receiving a large deduction of house points from Snape for being tardy, Harry took his seat between Ron and Hermione, immediately noticing the smug look on Hermione's face.  Dreading what would come after class, Harry busied himself with his work.

After class, Harry found it impossible to avoid Hermione.  Wasting no time, she pulled Harry aside and began speaking to him.

"I know what you've been up to.  I was in the library when I found a book you had checked out.  There was an interesting bit of parchment inside it…"

She paused and gazed intently at Harry, who was staring, horrified, at nothing in particular.

"I went to the trophy room on Wednesday and hid in a closet.  I heard everything.  How could you, Harry?  I mean… MALFOY?  It was pretty obvious you were gay, but, how could you fall for Malfoy?"

Dreamily, Harry said, "How could I not?  He's beautiful… Sure, he is slightly evil, but something about the way he speaks to me…"

Disgusted, Hermione continued, "Well, what are you going to do about Ginny?  She worships you, you know."

"Yeah, I know.  It's really just a childish infatuation.  I thought I dealt with it though—I've been shooting her nasty glares every chance I get."

"That's horrid.  You need to talk to her… Or I will.  And I won't leave anything out," Hermione finished impressively as she walked quickly out of sight.

After putting off his unpleasant task for nearly a month (but continuing to fire dangerously hateful looks in Ginny's direction), Hermione again pressured Harry to speak with Ginny, although, this time she gave him until the end of the evening to complete the duty.

After dinner, Harry arrived in the Gryffindor common room dreading what he was about to undertake.  He walked straight to Ginny, to tell her how he felt.  "Ginny," he said, "Can I have a word?"

Soundlessly, she followed him to an empty corner.

"Ginny, will you come to the Christmas dance with me?"  Damn it, he thought, why the hell did I do that???

Astounded, Ginny replied, "Er…  I'm afraid not, Harry.  I'm totally over you.  I think you're an ass, to tell you the truth."

"Oh cool.  That's good.  I _really _wanted to ask someone else, anyway," Harry said, smiling.

Ginny promptly slapped him and stalked out of the room.

As Christmas approached, Harry was becoming less and less popular.  Somehow word had leaked that he was gay, and that Draco was his male lover.  He was receiving even more ridicule from Slytherins, but, somehow, it didn't matter.  Harry decided to boycott the Christmas dance when Dumbledore told him he wouldn't be allowed to take Draco to the dance.  Nevertheless, essentially, Harry was happy.

However, Harry's bliss was soon to end.

"Harry," Draco said one crisp January morning. "There's something we need to talk about.  I'm not sure we can do 'this' anymore.  I just don't feel the same way about you as I used to."

"What?!" Harry said, feeling faint.  "What's happened?  Is there someone else?"

"Well.. As a matter of fact, I've developed feelings for Ginny Weasley.  She just really developed over the summer… She developed in a way you'll never understand or appreciate.  Anyway, last night we announced our undying love to each other."

Harry stared at Draco, tears brimming in his eyes.

"Harry," Draco ventured timidly, "Are you okay?"  Man, he looks sexy like that--his hair falling just so in his eyes…  And he looks so vulnerable, Draco thought.  Perhaps he had made the wrong decision…

"Yeah.  Yeah, sure," Harry said, blinking back his tears as he ran across the frozen grounds to the looming castle.

For the rest of the year, Harry vowed to stay away from Draco, but remained miserable.  He had several flings with various Slytherins, but no one could replace Draco.  

As the train left Hogwarts, Harry found himself continually snapping at Ron and Hermione, who eventually left to find another compartment.  Reveling his solitude, Harry miserably recalled the few short weeks he had spent with his soul mate.


	2. Harry's Revenge Chapter 1

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

Chapter 1

_Summer, Pre-Sixth Year_

All was serene and quiet on Privet Drive as most people slept through the clear, cool night.  However, one boy, Harry Potter, sat gazing out into the empty street, seeing nothing.  Harry was enveloped in his own thoughts, reliving the glorious months at Hogwarts the previous year when he and Draco Malfoy had been in love…  Or so Harry thought.  Just as Harry had begun to think that, despite their differences, he and Draco had been meant to be together, Draco had dumped Harry like yesterday's garbage.  The worst of it was, Harry thought, Draco had left Harry for Ginny Weasley.  Harry was relatively sure that seducing Draco had been Ginny's way of seeking revenge on Harry.  Surely his beloved Draco couldn't be capable of causing Harry so much pain on his own.  Harry sighed. He reckoned he shouldn't have shot so many evil glares in Ginny's direction throughout the school year.

At the Malfoy manor, Draco lay in a fitful sleep, nightmares ravaging his slumber.  He awoke with a start.  Quickly, Draco tried to remember the dream, to see if it had any significant meaning.  He had been discussing something with Harry Potter.  Draco's brows furrowed as he tried to remember what the discussion had been about.  Unable to recall exactly what had been said except that it had been something serious that had made Draco's temper begin to flare, he began thinking about the rest of the dream.  He had stood up quickly, angered at that Potter, but suddenly felt that he couldn't stay angry with him for long.  Draco had reached out to apologetically grasp Harry's hands, only to be swept away in a rushing torrent of water.  The water swept him through distant lands until it slowed enough that he was able to maneuver to a nearby island.  As he washed ashore, gasping for breath and exhausted, he felt a kind hand on his shoulder.  Looking up, he realized Ginny Weasley was the one offering help.  Draco gratefully grasped her arm to walk to a sheltered area, when he saw Harry running towards him, his eyes reflecting his terror.  "How could you leave me like that?" Harry asked desperately.

                "It--it wasn't my fault the--" Ginny cut him off.

                "He came to ME," she said, indignantly.  "He obviously chose me over you."

                The pain showed in Harry's face as he backed away.  "No, Harry, you don't understand…"  Draco began.

                "Go on," Ginny sneered.  "Get out of here, you're not wanted."  Quick as a flash Ginny reached for her wand and uttered a curse.  A jet of green light streamed towards Harry, knocking him down, either unconscious, or dead.

                Draco gaped at Ginny, whose face was glowing maliciously.  Ginny threw her head back and laughed, as Draco ran to Harry and cried, "NO!"

                Then he had woken up.  "What a strange dream," he said, shaking his head.  Though he had been unable to decipher any meaning from the dream, Draco felt as though a burden had been lifted from his chest, and fell into a deep sleep.

                The next morning Harry was miserable.  He could see no way out of his situation:  he was depressed that he could no longer be with Draco, yet going insane with anger knowing that Ginny was the cause of his misery.  And I'm going to have to spend two weeks with her, Harry thought bitterly.

                Ron had asked Harry to spend the last two weeks of the summer holidays at the Burrow with the Weasleys, and Harry had accepted.  Someone should be arriving tomorrow to pick him up, according to Ron's last owl. However, Ron had left out how 'someone' would be arriving.  And who the 'someone's' identity, for that matter.  Deciding his energy would be better spent doing something other than pondering the future, Harry decided to write a letter to his godfather and complain about how much his life sucked.  Just as Harry grabbed his quill, he remembered the last time he had complained to Sirius.  Several days after sending the note, Harry had received a reply, which simply read, "If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."  Harry sighed (he'd been doing a lot of sighing recently).  Evidently, Sirius wasn't as paternal as he had seemed in the beginning.  While the letters Sirius sent to Harry in his fourth year had instructed Harry to keep him informed on all the happenings at Hogwarts, now Sirius begged Harry to leave him the hell alone.  After reading the first note containing instructions for Harry to leave Sirius alone, Harry took a quill and neatly wrote on the envelope, 'return to sender,' thinking it a clever way to disobey Sirius.  He then began writing as many as six letters a day to Sirius, just to annoy him.  Harry grinned malevolently as he remembered that first week.  Of course, Sirius had sent more letters telling him to stop writing, but Harry had returned them all, unopened, after writing 'return to sender' on each envelope.  Soon, however, Sirius had caught on, and began giving Harry the same treatment.  Harry was only mildly disappointed when he realized his godfather was sick of him.  "He probably has a girlfriend or something, and doesn't want me to screw it up for him," Harry mumbled to himself.  "At least I wasn't too attached to him.  I mean, he never ONCE tried to contact me all those years…  The jerk."  He pummeled his pillow for a few moments before his thoughts turned to his friends.

                Harry was afraid he had lost Hermione as a friend.  He didn't think she was keen on the idea that Harry was gay.  Maybe she had a thing for him or something.  Nope.  It was probably just that Ginny had corrupted HER mind against him too, Harry thought, frowning.  How long would it be before the entire school turned against him?  Ah, well, everything was okay as long as he had Dumbledore wrapped around his pinky finger…

Harry finally drifted off into a dreamless sleep as the moon was setting, but awoke just a few hours later.  Unable to sleep any longer, Harry decided to get everything ready for when he'd go to the Weasleys' house.  Still unsure of how he would be getting to the Weasleys', Harry just packed everything in his trunk and left it downstairs.  None of the Dursleys questioned what he was doing--they'd pretty much been ignoring him the whole summer.

After waiting most of the day (and stewing in his own emotions--becoming more angry by the moment), Mr. Weasley and Ron finally arrived to pick up (a rather perturbed) Harry.  Due to the "fireplace" incident the summer before Harry's fourth year, Mr. Weasley had felt it would be wise to arrive by car.

How lame,Harry thought.  If they have to drag me off to their stink-hole of a home, they could have at least done so with some pizzazz.  Harry rolled his eyes as he began dragging his trunk to the Weasleys' pathetic old vehicle. 

"Will we even be flying?" Harry asked in a rather bored voice.

Mr. Weasley's smile faltered at Harry's tone.  "Er… No.  It's illegal, Harry.  You of all people should know that," he finished, referring to Harry and Ron's second year at Hogwarts.

Under his breath, Harry murmured, "What a jip," and slung a bag into the back seat of the car.

The trip to the Burrow was uneventful, but tense.  From the moment Harry sat in the car, he'd been casting murderous stares at Ron, daring him to speak.  Ron soon got the idea, and decided to stare out the window for most of the trip.  After several hours, the three arrived at the Burrow, where Harry got his usual warm welcoming from Mrs. Weasley.

"Oh, Harry, dear, we're so glad you could come," she said happily, and tried to grasp Harry in a tight hug.

Harry dodged her, and said, "Shove it.  Ron, how hard is it to help me carry this stupid trunk up to your bedroom?"

Taken aback, Mrs. Weasley stared at Harry as he bullied Ron up the stairs.  She and Mr. Weasley exchanged worried glances, and shrugged at eachother.

In Ron's room, Harry found Hermione sitting on his bed, reading a book.  She looked imploringly at Ron before coldly saying, "Hello, Harry."

"Whatever," Harry returned.  "Listen, I'm going to use the bathroom, if I don't come back, it's because I drowned myself.  But don't worry about me, I'm feeling great," he said sarcastically.

A few minutes later, He returned.  As soon as he opened the door, Ron and Hermione quickly jumped away from each other, and looked guiltily at Harry.

"For the love of..." Harry began.  "Isn't there anyplace more private you two can make out?  For these two weeks, this is MY room too, so maybe you had better scram"

Not needing to be told twice, Ron and Hermione exited the room.

Several days into his stay at the Burrow, Harry had made sure that he was on bad terms with just about everyone in the household.  To top it off, Hermione was giving Harry sidelong glances as though he were diseased or something.  Unable to take it any longer, Harry finally blew up.

"Hermione!" He shouted after she had flinched when she passed him the saltshaker, "I'm not contagious, I'm a homosexual!  How hard of a concept is that to grasp?  It's not like you're going to catch 'the gay'!"

She had stared at him a moment before saying, "Yeah, well, what about Draco?  He seemed pretty straight to me before you had your way with him."

Harry stopped to consider that.  It was true that he had been a known ladies' man before last year…  No, of course he was gay, through and through.

Without admitting defeat, Harry abruptly stood up from the table, and went to his room.  No body bothered to follow him.


	3. Harry's Revenge Chapter 2

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

Chapter 2

The rest of the holidays were a nightmare.  Harry took extra care to distance himself from Hermione, Ron, and the rest of the Weasleys… but try as he might, Ginny seemed to apparrate wherever Harry happened to be, and would taunt him about being a loser, and failing to win Draco over.  It didn't bother Harry so much to be called a loser, but he was starting to get a smidge annoyed because the redhead had decided to disclose every detail of what the couple would do.  Finally, Harry just stuffed cotton balls in his ears so he couldn't hear her.

None too soon, September first arrived.  There was havoc in the Weasley home as four students prepared to go to Hogwarts for the year.  Harry was proving to be hard-headed and rude by making snide comments to his fellows, and tripping the ministry drivers as they made their way between the Weasley house and their cars.

Once the group reached King's Cross Station, Harry hurriedly swept off to the barrier that separated the train station from Platform 9 and 3/4.  He was halfway across the station when he stopped and huffily walked back to the ministry cars.

"How hard is it for you to get me a trolley for my crap?"  Harry demanded of the driver, who just rolled his eyes, and muttered, "Famous brat," under his breath as Harry stormed away.

Suddenly, Harry stopped.  He whirled around, and stared at the driver as he said, "What did you say to me?"

The driver diverted his eyes before saying, "Nothing, Mr. Potter."

Apparently, Harry accepted this answer.  Just as the tension seemed to drain from the air, Harry went ballistic.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??" Harry demanded.  Harry released a string of obscenities as he began emptying the contents of various trunks on the ground.  Amid the chaos, Harry knocked over Hedwig's cage, unleashing the enormous bird into the air.  With an angry squawk, Hedwig took flight.  Strangely, Harry seemed to emit an angry squawk that could be compared to Hedwig's.  "DAMN IT!" Harry screeched.  "You'd better hope that freaking bird makes it's way to the school, or you'll be out of a job!" He screamed at the driver.  Then, he turned on Mrs. Weasley.  "How could you have allowed such an incompetent fool to drive us here?  Don't you even care about me?"

Without waiting for an answer, Harry yet again stormed off towards the train, dragging his trunk and Hedwig's empty cage behind him.  The Weasleys and Hermione were left frozen by the cars, astounded that Harry had allowed such a trivial event to affect him so much that he allowed himself to create a scene in front of Wizards and Muggles alike.  Finally, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Mrs. and Mr. Weasley were able to gather their belongings and follow Harry towards the train.

Harry threw his belongings into a compartment, and glared at Ron and Hermione as they cautiously walked into the compartment.

"Listen, mate," Ron said warily, "We're going to stay in this compartment with you--everywhere else is full."

Harry grudgingly conceded.  "Whatever.  Just leave me alone," Harry spat before turning to stare out the window at the passing countryside.

The train ride was going smoothly, thanks to the effort exerted by Ron and Hermione, who were quietly reading, or else talking in most hushed voices and glancing nervously at Harry.  

Eventually, the inevitable occurred.  Draco and his lackeys burst into Harry's compartment.  However, for once, this was, seemingly, a complete accident.  As soon as he opened the door, Draco and Harry's eyes locked.  Draco's expression was a mixture of longing and loathing, while Harry looked like he would jump off the ends of the earth just to be with Draco.  Quickly, Draco regained his sense of self, and began acting obnoxiously, as was expected of him.

"Hello Potty, Weasel, and Bushy," Draco said to Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  Hermione glanced at Harry, and could see the hurt expression on his face.  She then looked at Ron, and was surprised to see that he looked even more malicious than usual.

"Beat it, Malfoy," Ron said through clenched teeth.  Harry looked as though he was torn by different emotions.  Obviously, he didn't wish to be insulted by the man he loved, but, heck, he didn't want to see him go, either.

Malfoy turned to Harry, and his lips curled into a sneer, "Do you want me to leave, Potty?"

Harry winced, as though he had just received a blow.  Then, he stared at Malfoy defiantly, and held his chin high as he quietly said, "Get lost, Malfoy.  No body wants you here."

Now it was Malfoy's turn to look hurt.  However, he quickly rebounded, and walked out of the compartment, followed closely by Crabbe and Goyle.

As if trying desperately to act normally, Harry spent the rest of the trip participating in the conversation.  For the first time in two weeks, Harry, Ron, and Hermione felt like they were best friends again.  However, Harry's almost jovial spirit ended abruptly as the trains neared Hogwarts.  Evidently, Harry was reminded that he would have to see Malfoy everyday, and this thought seemed to put him in a sour mood again.  Finally, Ron and Hermione gave up trying to initiate conversation, and took to staring out the window.

For the first few weeks of school, Harry remained in a surly mood--only speaking when absolutely necessary, and trying his best to ignore the ridicule he received from students in the school who had heard about his fleeting romance with Draco.  To Harry's dismay, Ginny seemed absolutely gleeful when she taunted Harry.  "This just won't do," Harry said softly at Halloween, when a carved likeness of Draco appeared at Harry's seat in the Great Hall, courtesy of Ginny.  Harry glared at Ginny, who was seated just four spaces down, smiling in a self-satisfied manner.

"What was that, Harry?" Ron asked nervously, glancing quickly at the jack-o-lantern, and then at Harry's murderous gaze.

"Oh… nothing," Harry said, catching himself mid-glare.  Smiling, he elaborated, "I just prefer pumpkin pie, that's all."

Ron nodded, though he still looked unconvinced.  Harry thought, it looks like Ron is being poisoned by that Ginny too… I'll have to be more careful around him.  And Hermione.  She's too smart for her own good, AND easily suspicious…

Early in the morning on the day after Halloween, Draco could be found gazing lazily out over the Hogwarts grounds.  Nervous about the upcoming Quidditch match, Draco had awaken before dawn, but, unable to go to sleep, he had decided to sit on the stairs leading to the main doors of the school to wait for breakfast to be served.  As he scanned the landscape, movement caught his eye.  Curious, Draco decided to get a closer look.  Clinging to the shadows, Draco advanced on the cloaked figure.  Quietly, Draco crept within twenty feet of the figure, and listened as he muttered something under his breath.  Draco was unable to make out the words, but could see another figure emerge from the shadows of the Forbidden Forest.  Draco was so surprised, that he nearly let out a cry of surprise.  Feeling he shouldn't witness this meeting, Draco rushed as quickly and quietly as possible back to the castle.


	4. Harry's Revenge Chapter 3

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

Chapter 3

As he ate his breakfast, Draco couldn't help but wonder whom the strangers meeting near the forest had been.  However, he didn't have much time to brood as the Quidditch match neared.  Gryffindor vs. Slytherin, Draco thought bitterly.  While he chewed his toast, all Draco could think about was how much he would enjoy finally beating Potter.  Just as he was about to start making his way to the Quidditch field so he could change into his green and silver Quidditch robes, Draco saw Harry swagger into the Great Hall, looking tired.  Draco briefly wondered why Harry was making such a belated entrance--the match should be starting in half an hour.  Figuring this could only give him and advantage, Malfoy walked quickly past Harry.

Full of adrenaline, the Slytherins swaggered onto the Quidditch field, amid cheers and boos, expecting to see the scarlet and gold robes of the Gryffindor Quidditch players.  However, after five minutes of waiting, Madam Hooch came out to announce that the Gryffindor team would not be playing, and the Slytherin team would win by default.  A shocked silence fell over the crowd--no one had known the Gryffindors to forfeit a game… ever.  Suddenly, the Slytherin team, and Slytherin supporters in the crowd erupted into cheers.  Malfoy joined in cheering, but couldn't help but wonder why the Gryffindors had forfeited.  After listening to his teammates' suggestions of having a party, Malfoy decided to give them the slip, and find out what happened to the Gryffindors… and Harry.

Draco sought out the only Gryffindor he happened to be on speaking terms with--Ginny.  He found her waiting outside the castle, leaning nonchalantly against the stone.  Draco smiled, as he watched her flaming hair blow about her face.  "Hey, Ginny," Draco said casually.

"Draco," Ginny said in response.

"So…  Did you go to the Quidditch match?"

"Yeah.  You played a great game, Draco," she said jokingly.

"Well, the important thing is that we won.  Do you know why your team didn't play?"

Ginny snorted before saying, "Ha.  Everything was Harry Potter's fault.  He decided not to show, the wuss," she rolled her eyes.  "Ever since last year when you left that loser, he's been pretty depressed.  Of course I'm rubbing it in every chance I get."  Ginny edged closer to Draco as she continued, "I'm hoping that eventually I'll push him over the edge, and he'll go ballistic.  Perhaps he'll get kicked out of school."

Draco smiled as he took Ginny in his arms.  "I love it when you scheme against those I…" The words stuck in his throat, "Hate."

"I know," she smiled deviously.  "It's the only way I know to prove my love for you."

Unbeknownst to either Ginny or Draco, Harry was hiding in the shadows, listening, and thinking of his own little scheme…


	5. Harry's Revenge Chapter 4

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

Chapter 4

The Christmas holidays passed quietly, or as quietly as could be expected.  Harry trusted no one, and was becoming more and more paranoid; believing various groups of people to be plotting against him, even accusing inanimate objects of whispering behind their hands.

Quite obviously, and for good reason, Dumbledore was becoming worried about Harry.  During mealtimes, he could be seen staring openly at Harry, his gaze seeming to penetrate Harry's exterior, and stare into his mind; something that Harry found to be quite annoying.  

"Beat it, you old crackpot," Harry said when Dumbledore asked Harry how he was feeling.

"Harry, I really think we need to have a chat," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Why the freaking hell do you have a twinkle in your eye?"  Harry asked, becoming quite irritated, and beginning to feel the old anger bubbling through his veins.

"Oh, I don't know…  I just might have a little something up my sleeve," Dumbledore said vaguely as he walked away from Harry.

"Whatever," Harry said as he stalked angrily away.

Now that Harry was being avoided by Ron and Hermione, Harry began neglecting his studies and spending every waking moment devising a master plan to bestow his revenge upon Ginny—the wench who stole his man.

On this January evening, Harry could be scribbling madly on a bit of parchment, a crazed glint in his eye.

"No!  Janet, that won't work!"  He screamed, as he received many strange looks from his peers.

"Who is he talking to?" Ron muttered to Hermione.

Sadly, Hermione replied, "His quill.  I've seen him throw 'her' down the hall when she tried to 'lead him astray' on the way to class."

Throwing a glare over his shoulder, Harry roared, "What are you looking at?!  This discussion is between ME and JANET!"

The heads in the common room shook their heads in unison as the murmured to each other about Harry's loss of sanity.

"We don't need them," Harry muttered to his quill in a low voice, as he gingerly carried it to his dormitory.

*~*

The next afternoon, Harry sauntered into Defense Against the Dark Arts ten minutes late.  "Sorry—er--_*professor*,_" Harry said suspiciously as he eyed his teacher.  "Who are *_you* _anyway?  You're not that hag, Figg."

"Mr. Potter, please have a seat," the mysterious professor said.

Defying him for a moment before consenting, Harry began making his way towards an empty seat near the back of the room.

"Ah, ah, Mr. Potter.  Up here with me, please."

"Damn," breathed as he flopped into the seat nearest the teacher.

"As I was saying," the teacher continued cheerfully, "Professor Figg is currently indisposed, and I am filling in for her—"

"For crying out loud!  Just cut the crap and tell us who you are!" Harry interrupted.

Smiling at Harry, the professor paused as he pulled out a piece of parchment and briefly wrote on it.  "Excuse me.  Ah yes, I am Professor Sanabubo."

Though the rest of class remained reverent, Harry snickered.  "What kind of a name is that?" he said maliciously.

"Yes, well… My father gave me the name… I always… liked it…" Professor Sanabubo answered, losing his thread of thought as he yet again scribbled at his parchment.  The smile faded gradually from Harry's face as he watched the professor write.

"What are you doing?" Harry demanded.

"Harry…" Ron quietly warned.

"Why don't you just shove it up your—" Harry started as he turned to face the red-headed weasel.

"All right, all right, class," the professor said mildly, hushing the class' sudden uproar.  "Now, Harry, you have a right to know what I'm doing, of course.  I'm in the process of writing a book about young witches and wizards, and thought I could use this teaching opportunity to do a bit of research on younger generations."

This answer seemed to satisfy Harry, for he kept his mouth shut and turned away from Ron.  Harry sat the rest of the period spending his time gazing meaningfully at "Janet," which was starting to worry Ron and Hermione.


	6. Harry's Revenge Chapter 5

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

Author's Note:  This is a relatively short chapter.  I might decide I don't like it after all and change it.  Honestly, I've been spending more time writing "Harry Potter and the Lost Year," so this one may have suffered—sorry!  Expect another chapter next weekend (when I have time).  Also, thanks to crayon, Shinigami, memmas, and DarkAngelChick for reviewing my fic!

As the weeks progressed, Harry became more and more immersed in his plan for revenge.  He began having many animated conversations with Janet… Until the 'incident.'

"Where is Janet?!" Harry roared as he tramped through the common room with an insane look upon his face.  "I know someone's seen her!  You know what she looks like—I know what you all say behind my back when I'm discussing various matters with her!"

Though some Gryffindors had the audacity to snicker behind their hands, most feared for their lives, as Harry was now shooting murderous glares about the room.

After an intense moment of silence, a clear, confident voice could be heard as a petite redhead stood from her armchair before the fire.

"I saw your quill.  Janet, is it?"  Ginny Weasley said, mockery filling her voice.

Harry was on her like a starving wolf on a steak.  "Where was she?" He implored, grasping her shoulders.

Waving her hand impatiently, she answered, "Oh, over by fire.  In the box."

At once Harry had knelt by fire, and was gingerly picking up the box and lifting the lid.  He suddenly froze.  Every eye in the common room was on Harry.  After nearly five minutes, Harry spoke.

"Who did this?" he asked shakily.  When no one replied, he repeated the question, "Who the _hell_ did this?"  He screeched.

Slowly and deliberately, Ginny raised her hand.  "Oh, did you mean to ask who snapped your beloved quill in half?"  She let out a sharp laugh.  "I guess _I _did that."

Harry stared at her for a moment as she grinned maliciously back.  "_Sorry_."

He let out a cry of anger and began madly scraping the end of the quill against his wrist.

Ron leapt up; his habit of wanting to help Harry suddenly kicking in.  "Harry what are you doing?"

Harry answered with a sob.

"Harry!" Hermione called.  "Let us help you!"

Harry stopped weeping, and glared at Ron and Hermione.  "Don't you do _anything _I just want to join Janet… in the next world."

The stunned silence was only disrupted by Ginny's laughter.  "Could you possibly know how lame you are?"

Harry's head snapped in Ginny's direction, though not for long.  His attention was soon turned towards the quill that lay broken in his hands.  Tentatively, Harry held the pieces near his ear.

"Okay.  Yes…  Anything, but are you sure?"

The students in the common room shook their heads and muttered to eachother.  "He's back to normal," Ron said to Hermione.

Suddenly, Harry rose to his feet and strode to where Ginny was still standing, watching him.  He stood staring into her upturned face and stated, "You have only strengthened my resolved, wench."  Then, he stalked to the spiral staircase that led to the boys' dormitories amid the laughter of his peers.

*~*~*

The next morning, Harry woke more than an hour before dawn.  Draping himself with his invisibility cloak, he silently walked through the passageways, making his way out of the castle to the blackened lake.  He pulled off his cloak, as he searched through the shadows until he found what he had been looking for.

"What happened back there?  I haven't been able to stay in contact with you for an entire day!" The mysterious stranger exclaimed.

Harry bowed his head.  "I'm sorry, master.  But that _Weasley_ botched everything.  She broke Janet—my quill—in half—"

He was cut off, "Janet!?  You named your _quill_?  You are entirely hopeless!"

"NO!  I'm not hopeless…  I've just been kinda lonely… but that's beside the point.  Ginny's ruining everything," Harry said exasperatedly.

"No, this is better.  Perhaps we can use her apparent hatred towards you to our advantage.  But, we'll need some other way to communicate," he pulled out a new quill.  "Don't name it this time.  You're drawing too much attention to yourself.  Dumbledore is going to suspect something."

Sheepishly, Harry said, "I think he already does suspect something."

"You are such a disappointment.  Have you ever done anything correctly?" the man sneered.

Shrugging his shoulders, Harry answered, "Don't worry.  I'll make it up to you."

"Don't worry about that," the man said in a voice that sent shivers up Harry's spine.  "Let's worry about you for now.  How are you going to do this?"

Harry began relaying the elaborate plan he had formed to seek his revenge on Ginny Weasley.

"That's a good plan, but I'm afraid there's only one flaw.  Your prey, Ginny Weasley, is overly confident.  You need to wear her down…  Place the pieces of your quill under her pillow, and I'll take care of the rest…"

Nodding, Harry took his leave, and walked back to the castle, intending to hide until all the Gryffindors had departed from their dormitories, and Harry would be able to begin the process of destroying Ginny.  However, his plan was temporarily foiled.

"Harry!" the voice of Albus Dumbledore rang through the halls.

"Damn," Harry muttered to himself.  "I forgot the freaking cloak."

"Harry," Dumbledore repeated upon catching up with him, "I need to speak with you.  Privately," he added as a group of first years stopped, listening curiously.

"Whatever," he said, shoving past Dumbledore to lead the way to his office.

After they had seated themselves in Professor Dumbledore's office, Dumbledore clasped his hands together, eyes twinkling.

"Harry, Harry, Harry."

"Yeah, I _know_ my name, for the love of—"

"Harry, I have a bit of information that may prove interesting to you."

Harry rolled his eyes.

Dumbledore pretended not to notice.  "Anyway, I felt I should tell you that I appointed Professor Sanabubo for a specific reason.  You see he's not actually a professor.  And he's not writing a book.  Professor Sanabubo is a psychiatrist who specializes in child psychology."

Harry jumped to his feet and roared, "Oh that's _great_!  I bet you're feeling really great about yourself.  You pulled a fast one on Harry Potter!"

Deciding he no longer wanted to be a part of this conversation, Harry walked out of Dumbledore's office to the main part of the school.  However, Dumbledore followed Harry and placed a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stop.

Damn, he's got a firm grip, Harry thought unhappily.

"Harry, you're showing signs of schizophrenia… but there's a possibility you're under the _demens vomica_ spell—"

"You know what?  I don't care about you or your ridiculous ideas.  You can take anymore of your theories and shove them up your arse.  And until you get rid of that loser, Sanabubo, I'm hereby excusing myself from Defense Against the Dark Arts," Harry stated as he strode away from Dumbledore, who walked back to his office looking dejected.

When the hallway appeared to be empty, Ginny emerged from a darkened doorway, looking triumphant.


	7. Harry's Revenge Chapter 6

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

A/N:  Here's the continuation of the saga that is 'Harry's Revenge.'  I'm writing a quick prologue (I know it's horrible that I didn't think to write it _before _I posted most of the story) and it should hopefully be up by the end of the weekend.  Also, thanks to crayon, Shinigami, memmas, DarkAngelChick, BeatleFan, AtieJen, and babyphatcat13 for leaving reviews!  They really motivate me to keep writing *hint, hint*…

Harry's Revenge

Chapter 6

The next morning, Harry woke abruptly to find an annoyingly superior-looking Ginny hovering over him.  "Why the hell are _you_ in here?" he asked tersely.

"Just seeing if you were awake," she answered vaguely, taking a sidelong glance at Harry and smiling smugly.

Why is _she_ so haughty?  Harry asked himself as he slid out of his curtained bed to follow Ginny to the common room, which was still empty as few students were awake so early.

"So…  Have you spoken with Professor Sanabubo lately?" she asked nonchalantly, as she sat with the arrogance of a queen in one of the moth-eaten scarlet armchairs.  "Or, perhaps I should say _Doctor_ Sanabubo?"

Harry's glare suddenly turned into an open-mouthed stare.  "Huh?"  Harry replied craftily.  _Yeah, that's it_, he thought, _I'll play it cool_.

"Oh," she exclaimed, feigning shock, "Weren't you there?  Or was it one of your _other_ personalities?"

Blushing scarlet, Harry decided to give her a dose of her own medicine.  "Oh yeah?  Up yours!"  With that, he ran with as much dignity he could muster through the portrait hole and down the corridor.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Harry heard.  Upon wheeling around, he discovered the corridor to be empty.  Damn it all.  Someone had stolen his invisibility cloak _again_.  "Freaking first years," he muttered, scowling.

A cackle of laughter led him to an odd theory.  Harry kept thinking he was hearing someone talk, but it was really _Ginny_.  A wave of fury rushed through Harry's veins as he clumsily smashed through the corridor trying to catch the invisible culprit.

Ten minutes and twelve demolished suits of armor later, Harry slumped, panting, to the floor.  Why is she picking on me?  It's not like I can steal Draco back since she's had her way with him.  He glowered at the thought.  Who knew what she had done to that sweet, innocent Draco?  Oh well.  Harry figured he'd better make the most of his situation (which was starting to suck pretty badly, he had to admit).  Sure some of the school—okay, well, most of it—felt Harry was a few Gobstones short of a set, and Ron and Hermione had taken to avoiding Harry like the plague, but that didn't mean it should deter him from his mission in life.  He _would_ seek his revenge on Ginny.  He slowly rose to his feet and picked up his quill (Janet the Second, but he was careful not to say it out loud.  Well, not too loud, anyway).

"Janet the Second, I need your help—"Harry began.

"Wow, ya think?" Janet the Second replied snidely.

That voice…  "Hey, wait, were you… talking… when I…" he trailed off.

Perhaps he imagined it, but Harry was almost sure he saw the quill roll her eyes.  "When you were making a fool of yourself ten seconds ago?  Wow, Einstein, you're a quick one, aren't you?"

Pouting, Harry replied, "You're not like Janet.  She was able to cope with my incompitance."

"You spelled incompetence wrong," she corrected.

"Wait… spelled?  I was just talking—" 

"—And about this freaky 'Janet the Second' thing…  I'm Big Q.  Got it?"

"Okay," Harry answered submissively.  "I have to talk to Master.  Can you connect me… please?"

"Enough with this prissy 'please' crap," she said obnoxiously, "I don't care how gay you are, you're going to be macho around me if I have to beat it out of you."

"Okay," Harry said, strangely befuddled as he tried to figure out how a quill was going to beat machoness into him.

"You're hopeless," Big Q said.

Eyes burning, Harry answered, "I am not!  I'm just scared and cold and kind of nauseous…" With that, he dropped Big Q, and ran, crying, to the common room, where he found Ginny, still frozen in her arrogant-queen-like pose.  She smiled at Harry serenely.

"Well, hello, Harry—you are still Harry, right?  I didn't expect to see you back here until after you'd had a good long cry."

Harry sniffed as he wiped tears away with the back of his hand.  "Don—don—don't look s—s—so self-satisfied.  Thi—thi—this wasn't your doing…" he began mumbling and muttering to himself.  Ginny caught only few words such as:  'Big Q,' 'Master,' and 'Coconut Cream Pie.'

Ginny suddenly contemplated her safety being in the same room with Harry, and changed her position in the chair to face Harry completely.  What she saw made her question her plans of repeating to most of the school that he was a complete nutcase.  Harry looked like a cross between a whipped dog and a child who just had his lollipop stolen from his hands and smashed to bits before his eyes.

"Eh, screw it," she muttered, deciding that Harry was still a loser, and needed to be punished.  "So," she continued silkily, "Do you want to be present in the common room whilst I unleash the information I've carried gleefully in my mind since yesterday, or would you prefer to slip out of Hogwarts unnoticed?"

He let out a dry laugh.  "I don't care about you, Miss Ginny Weasley, or your so-called information.  What could you possibly have on me that the school doesn't already suspect?"

Ginny's hand, which had been moving to stroke her chin fiendishly, froze midair, and a disbelieving expression contorted her face.  "Wait…  But I just told—you _ran_ out of here!"  Comprehension dawned on her face.  "You really _are_ completely nuts!" she declared merrily.

Harry's shoulders slumped.  "Oh.  That information… which is completely false!" he added hastily.

She laughed nefariously, "Whatever, Potter.  Hey, do you hear footsteps?"

Harry froze for a moment before making his decisions.  Despite the fact that Harry hadn't played Quidditch since his third year (and, quite frankly, he had gained a significant amount of weight), he remained relatively agile and quick.  As fast as lightning (or darn-near close to it), Harry had tackled Ginny.  Sitting on top of her, and thus rendering her helpless, Harry performed a handy little spell.

"_Petrificus Totalus!" Which was a spell that put the victim in a full body bind.  Of course, when Hermione had used the spell on Neville years ago, she had apologized.  Harry, however, felt strangely invigorated._

Scrambling to place Ginny in a somewhat-normal position, Harry lay Ginny on the couch, grabbed a book, and leapt across the room to sit, pretending to read, in a corner near the fireplace.  It just so happened to be Neville who crossed the threshold into the common room.

"Er—hi, Harry," he said, nervously locating all the exits in the room.

"Stupid git," Harry muttered below his breath.  "Hi, Neville!" he said cheerfully.  "Why are you up so early," he said, struggling to keep the psychotic edge from his voice.

"I… I heard—noises.  I just wanted to check—" He stopped abruptly as his eyes fell on Ginny's rigid body.

"Shit," Harry whispered as he realized that, although Ginny had slid halfway off the couch, her body had remained parallel to the floor.  Really, it looked pretty awkward.  "Oh yeah…" Harry said scrambling to explain the situation, "She was—ah—practicing spells… on herself… and I didn't know the counter curse…" 

Neville, however, was having none of it.  He had, of course, fancied Ginny from afar since his fourth year when he spent an entire evening tramping on her toes.

"Damn it, Harry!" the usually placid Neville exclaimed, "How could you do this to—"

"_PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" Harry bellowed._

Neville fell stiffly to the floor with a satisfying thud.  Quickly searching for a place to stash Ginny and Neville until he had had a chance to speak with his Master, Harry located a large, empty cabinet (how convenient, he thought).  After he had locked the twosome in the cabinet, Harry felt like he needed a break.

As soon as he sat in one of the crimson chairs, however, Harry leapt to his feet, exclaimed, "Big Q!" and rushed through the portrait hole to retrieve his temporarily forgotten quill.

Having encountered three teachers, six students, and Peeves, Harry was beginning to wonder how many people he would have to cast _petrificus totalus on before he'd find Big Q.  Though the dull thumps had initially given him a rush, Harry was beginning to become irritated with having to find closets to stash the immobilized bodies.  Also, the stinking spell didn't work on ghosts or poltergeists, but Harry assumed the mad glint in his eye would ward off any of the ghosts that dared cross him—he'd sent Peeves flying away in a hurry, at least._

"Finally!" he said, breathing a sigh of relief as he gingerly picked up the annoyed quill.

"It's about time," Big Q cried shrilly.  "I bet you wanted to make me catch my death on this stone floor!"

"Yeah, well.  It wouldn't have been a tragedy," Harry replied sarcastically.

"Ooh.  I like this new side of you, Harry.  I'll connect you to your Master right away."

"It's about freaking time, too."

Within moments, Big Q's rather husky (dare I say, _manly) voice was replaced by a rather high-pitched man's voice._

"I was wondering when you'd need advice," the man said pompously.

"Get over yourself, okay?" Harry said, rolling his eyes.  "Like I need you to talk me down," Harry said, laughing nervously.  "But seriously, I need your counsel—"

The man laughed bitterly "It was only a matter of time.  I don't know why I've never killed you when I've had the chance."

"Hey," Harry said defensively, "You _have tried to kill me… numerous times, actually.  And I've always escaped unscathed."_

"It was pure luck," the man said dismissively.  "How was _I to know that your mother would die to save you?  That Dumbledore's phoenix would heal your wounds and bring you Goderic Gryffindor's sword?  How was __I to know that our wands both have tail feathers from the same phoenix?"_

"Fawkes," Harry added instinctively.  "Master, we really have more important things on hand.  I just cast _Petrificus Totalus on about a dozen people, and stashed their bodies in various closets, Dumbledore has hired a psychiatrist to be one of my teachers, my worst enemy knows I'm a total nutcase, and, worst of all, Big Q just isn't the same as Janet," he finished pouting._

"What are you?  An eleven-year-old _girl?" the man asked maliciously.  "Why would I want to listen to your pathetic problems when we've got more important things on hand?  You're going to follow through with your end of the bargain, or you'll pay.  Oh yes, you'll most certainly pay."_

"But how can I do it?  She wasn't supposed to get any dirt on me _before I kidnapped her.  I can't very well move the cow when she's as stiff as a board, but if I wake her up, she have made up a song about "The Batty Harry Potter" within three minutes.  Besides, I don't think she'd very well follow me anywhere, especially not to you."_

"It's painfully obvious," the man proclaimed.  "You have to—"

"Shh!"  Harry silenced the man.  "I heard something!" He whispered frantically.  His body then stiffened as he saw who had emerged from the shadows.


	8. Harry's Revenge Chapter 7

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

A/N:  Here's the continuation of the saga that is 'Harry's Revenge.'  Thanks to crayon, Shinigami, memmas, DarkAngelChick, BeatleFan, AtieJen, babyphatcat13 memealex28, and duchibum for leaving reviews!  They really motivate me to keep writing *hint, hint*…

Chapter 7

"Dr—Draco?" Harry stuttered tentatively as the darkened, blonde-haired figure materialized from the shadows.

Instead of answering him, however, Draco gazed at Harry warily as he skirted around Harry and the now-silent Big Q.  Just as Harry had been sure that Draco was going to sprint to the nearest teacher (if he could find one who hadn't been struck down by the _petrificus totalus spell), Draco stopped, and eyed Harry with his head cocked, a curious expression upon his face.   However, the curiosity was quickly replaced by, what Harry thought was rather feigned, loathing.___

"Yes, _Potter?" he replied, accenting 'Potter' ruthlessly.  "Is __Mister Potter demonstrating his insanity by speaking to his __quill?"_

Harry blushed, but raised his chin defiantly.  "How did you know?" he breathed in a meek voice—_well there goes my attempt at being gallant, he thought to himself._

Draco started, "You're not even going to deny it?"

Clenching his teeth, he asked louder, "How did you _know?"_

"Ginny found out last night, and sought me out.  I gave her the Slytherin password."

Harry's mouth fell open a little as an injured expression contorted his face.  "You never gave _me your password…"_

"That's because I never l—" Draco began, but paused as the words caught in his throat.  "I never loved you," he whispered in a barely-audible voice.

Harry's eyes filled with distraught tears.  Willing himself not to cry before the object of his affection, Harry shamefully tried to blink away his tears.  "Of course you didn't.  You found _Ginny," he finished with a flourish.  Hate suddenly coursing through his veins, Harry leapt to his feet and began to lope down the darkened corridor._

"Harry!  Wait!" he heard.  Reluctantly, Harry stopped; dreading what abuse he would be forced to take.  Several seconds later, Draco stopped next to Harry.  "Harry, I have to tell you something."

Dismally, Harry began, "Wh—" but Draco cut him off as he hastily moved in to kiss Harry.  Of course, Harry leaned in and shut his eyes as well.  However, when the kiss didn't come, Harry's eyes flew open.

"What was wro—" Harry began.  Again, he was silenced.  This time, however, he was silenced by the slap he received from Draco.

"How _dare you get fresh with me, you gay loser," he said as he began to stalk off._

Mournfully, Harry also began to slowly trudge toward Gryffindor Tower to sort through the mess he had gotten himself into.

Unbeknownst to Harry, however, was the fact that Draco had paused to watch Harry walk away.  "Why must I push him away so?" He asked fiercely as he watched the raven-haired figure gingerly rub his cheek.

*~*~*

"Damn it…" Harry breathed as he opened the portrait of the Fat Lady to see a room swarming with the early-rising Gryffindors.  He rolled his eyes at two first years that had eagerly tried to engage him in conversation.  "I have bigger fish to fry," he said dismissively.

He sat in the quietest corner he could find, and tried to think a way out of his current situation.  "How am I going to un-paralyze eleven people, and not get myself turned into the Ministry of Magic?" he groaned.  Thought he had asked a rhetorical question, Big Q decided to give some input.

"Aren't you some sort of a lame-ass wizard?  Even _you should be able to put a Memory Charm on them…"_

"But I don't know _how to do the freaking charm.  It's too advanced—__HERMIONE!"  He promptly dropped Big Q on the floor as he sprinted to the girls' dormitories without apprehension.  Bursting through the door, Harry heard the frightened gasps and squeals of girls as they quickly pulled their bed curtains closed.  In her own right, Hermione looked petrified._

"I'm _gay I don't want to see you scantily clad females," Harry said exasperatedly, as he slunk to Hermione's bed.  Grabbing Hermione by the wrist, he pulled her quickly and efficiently to the common room, which, miraculously, had emptied out.  Harry chose to ignore the fact that Hermione was still looking up at Harry through fearful eyes and was locating all the exits in the room; reminding Harry strongly of Neville._

"Good grief, Hermione, I'm not going to use the Binding Spell on _you!"  Harry said rather loudly.  Then snapped his eyes shut as he realized his blunder.  "Er—I mean, Hermione, I need your help."_

Instantly, her body tensed.  "Wha—what do you need me to do?" she asked shakily.

Though Harry had originally decided he would force Hermione to place the Memory Charms on his victims, he decided to change his tactics.  "Well, I was—erm—falling behind in Charms class, and Professor Flitwick agreed to give me—uh—extra credit if I could perform a certain spell.  Anyway, can you show me how to do perform a Memory Spell?"

Hermione remained reticent a moment longer before agreeing.  "Okay," she said uncertainly.  "You just point your wand at the individual whose mind you want to erase, and say, '_Obliviate'… but, Harry, you must use extreme caution when using the—" _

"_Obliviate!" Harry's voice echoed through the empty common room.  Immediately, Hermione's eyes crossed and a look of extreme contentment crossed her face.  She then looked stupidly at Harry and asked, "Do the trees cross the stream to eat meat loaf?"_

Harry laughed softly to himself, and steered Hermione in the direction of the girls' dormitories.  When she had left the common room to stumble up the stairs, Harry turned to the cupboard in which he had left Ginny and Neville.  He opened the doors, and dragged Ginny and Neville out to lay them flat on the floor.  Harry muttered the counter spell to _Petrificus Totalus, and tried used the Memory Charm on Neville.  After trying to voice a few incoherent thoughts, Neville looked into Harry's (slightly disgusted) face, clearly expecting some form of response.  "Try looking through there…" Harry began as he pointed to the portrait hole.  Upon realizing that his words were making little sense to Neville, Harry steered Neville to the door._

Finally, Harry was left with only a stiffened Ginny for company.  He stood over her, smiling into her comprehending eyes.  She knew what he was about to do.  She knew the power he held over her.  Yet she was powerless to defend herself.  After several moments of staring daggers at one another, Harry finally performed the counter curse to _Petrificus Totalus, but, instead of swiftly obliterating the memory she held of Harry's tirade, he allowed her memory to remain in tact (though his wand was still pointed threateningly at the now standing Ginny)._

"Well, Ginny Weasley, look who has the upper-hand now?"

Within the blink of an eye, Ginny had pulled out her own wand, and had pointed it at Harry—daring him to make a move.  "My, how pompous you are, Potter.  It wasn't for nothing that I spent six years as a Little Witch Scout.  Can you guess our motto?"

She cast a spell to make Harry's lips move without his consent, as, like a ventriloquist, Ginny's own voice poured through the mouth of Harry, "Always be prepared!"  Ginny cackled at her cleverness, and proceeded to taunt Harry; threatening to tell the whole school that not only was the Famous Harry Potter utterly psychotic, but that he had performed the _Petrificus Totalus spell on no less than twelve people, and then proceeded to obliterate the minds of two of his victims._

"Ah, I can see it now…  Not only will you be banished from Hogwarts, but also you'll _probably be sent to Azkaban.  Ah, vengeance so sweet.  You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment.  You have no idea how long I've waited for the Perfect Harry Potter to get his comeuppance," she sneered.  After a moment, she began pacing unconcernedly around the common room, contemplating, aloud, who she should inform first—their twinkle-eyed headmaster, Albus Dumbledore; or the rather incompetent Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge._

At one moment that Ginny had her back turned, Harry took advantage.  "Expelliarmus!" he bellowed.  Ginny's wand flew from her hand, and into the grasp of Harry.  "How _dare you threaten me?" he seethed._

Harry conjured ropes to bind the fiery-haired wench, and placed a silencing spell upon her lips.  A mixture of loathing and fear appeared on Ginny's face, as she shouted soundless livid insults at Harry, who smiled.  "Ah, the sweet sound of silence.  Now, you wait here—oh, what am I commanding _you for—you won't be going anywhere," he said bitterly.  Moments later, Harry returned to the struggling Ginny, who was shocked to see that Harry's arm was gone._

"Miss Weasley, I see you're eyeing my most-prized possession—my father's invisibility cloak.  I knew one day it would prove invaluable," he finished, gazing fondly at the cloak.  He then murmured, "_Mobilicorpus."_

Ginny's breath caught as she began to levitate several inches of the floor.  With little care, Harry began to guide the immobilized girl back to her dormitory, to her terminal position: lying on her bed.  He then took great care in draping his invisibility cloak over her body.  Frowning at the imprint made on the bed, Harry debated just obliterating her memory.  "It would make it easier…  NO!  I have to do this right.  Master wanted her unharmed," he said quietly, as to not wake the other girls still slumbering.

After pulling back the invisibility cloak just enough so that Harry could look into Ginny's face, Harry smiled.  He then shifted to look in one of his pockets, and pulled out the sad remains of his beloved Janet (which had been bound with spellotape).  Ginny could only watch in horror as she waited for what Harry would do with the quill.  However, quite to Ginny's surprise, he merely placed the quill beneath Ginny's pillow.  Still dumbfounded and confused as she tried to imagine what Harry could possibly accomplish by putting a quill beneath her pillow, Ginny remained still as Harry bade her farewell.

"Sweet dreams, Ginny," Harry whispered insincerely.

Immediately after Harry softly pulled the door closed, the voices began.  At first, Ginny thought she was going insane.  Something whispered and taunted her in a voice none but she could hear.  The voice spoke a language none but Ginny could decipher.

"You thought you could _win?" It hissed.  "You are __weak!  You don't stand a chance against those you fear the most!"  It continued in this vein until Ginny's mouth gaped in a silent scream._

*~*~* 

Meanwhile, Harry was busy retracing his steps as he sought to correct his mistake of felling anyone with whom he came in contact by means of _Petrificus Totalus.  When he finally sent tiny Professor Flitwick on his befuddled way, Harry decided he needed to set a certain someone straight.  Without a second thought, Harry began his search for Draco._

After several hours of searching the castle, Harry was finally able to locate Draco sitting alone in the library, staring, transfixed, out the window.  Harry followed his gaze, and could see a heavily clouded sky, that appeared dark, despite the fact that the lunchtime was fast approaching.  Cautiously, Harry approached Draco.  Warily, he said, "Draco, I have something that can't go unsaid any longer."  He then gained a bit more courage, and said, louder, "Draco, I love you.  I don't care how long it takes you to embrace the thought of loving me, but, damn it, I can't stop my feelings!"

Having made his statement, Harry abruptly grabbed Draco's shoulders, and pulled him in for a long, wet kiss.  Draco resisted at first, but eventually submitted to the all-consuming kiss.  However, when Harry finally pulled away (looking quite satisfied), Draco merely glared at him.

"How _dare you!" He shouted, and spun to stalk angrily out of the library.  To Harry's amazement, however, Draco stopped midway to the door, and turned to face Harry, his expression softened, and his hair mussed from the intensity of the osculation.  With a half smile, he said, "That wasn't bad, Potter.  That wasn't bad at all."_


	9. Harry's Revenge Chapter 8

Harry's Revenge

Disclaimer:  This is my rather embarrassing attempt to write a parody based on the books by J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  This is a parody of the Harry Potter books.  One night, I was extremely bored, and in the mood to write.  The rest is history.

A/N:  Here's the conclusion of the saga that is 'Harry's Revenge.'  Thanks to crayon, Shinigami, memmas, DarkAngelChick, BeatleFan, AtieJen, babyphatcat13, memealex28, Hermione Malfoy, sk8ter boi, memmas, and duchibum for leaving reviews!

Chapter 8

Harry walked through the library in a self-satisfied sort of a daze.  He then remembered that his mission that evening was _not_ to declare his love for his fair-haired beauty, but to fix the problem whose name happened to be Virginia Weasley.

"Damn that Ginny," Harry said, remembering her attempt to restrain Harry when he had performed the counter spell to _petrificus totalus._  "How dare she steal my man?"

With a look of resolution upon his face, Harry again set out to find Draco:  the vital element in his overly extravagant method of extracting revenge on Ginny.  Luckily, Harry found Draco a mere ten minutes before beginning his search.

"Draco!"  Harry called to the blonde walking briskly in front of him.

Draco stopped, and turned slowly to face Harry, who was amused to see that he was blushing a deep fuchsia.  "Still remembering the library incident?" Harry asked coyly, with a half smile upon his face.

"I honestly didn't think you had it in you, Potter—er—Harry," Draco answered, blushing even more.  "So, what did you want, anyway?" despite the harshness of his words, Harry was pleased to hear Draco's voice soften as he spoke to Harry.

"It's about Ginny.  I…  Well, I have some unfinished business to discuss with her.  Unfortunately, she won't come within twenty feet of me; that's where you come in…" he trailed off as he looked expectantly at Draco.

Draco, who had been thoughtfully picking at the skin around his fingernails suddenly looked at Harry with his eyebrows raised.  "Huh?" he asked, rather stupidly.

Harry rolled his eyes, but quickly forgave Draco when he looked into those steely-gray eyes.  He gingerly held Draco's face in his hands, but forced Draco to look at him.  "Draco, I need your help.  I _must_ seek revenge on Ginny!"

Nodding resolutely, Draco agreed.  "What must I do?"

"Well, first you'd better understand what _I_ have to do…" Harry proceeded to tell Draco about his beloved quill, Janet, how he had wreaked havoc in the halls of Hogwarts by use of the _Petrificus Totalus_ spell, and exactly what he planned to do with Ginny.  "You see, after that wench destroyed my Janet – who could _never_ replace you – I just couldn't cope with her," Harry rambled.  "So I discussed the matter with my master –"

"Your master?" Draco inquired as he followed Harry out the exterior doors of Hogwarts castle onto the lawn.

Harry paused, obviously contemplating whether he wanted to disclose such information, before answering; "Well… you might know him better as Lord Voldemort."

At that proclamation, Draco stopped dead, and gaped at Harry.  "_Lord Voldemort_?!"

"Yeah.  You see, all these years we thought he wanted to kill me, but, actually, it's just the opposite," Harry stated simply.  "He was just misunderstood – never wanted me dead.  He just wanted me as a minion to do his evil deeds."

"Oh," Draco said, accepting the statement.

"I agreed because he forced me to call him Master.  I love that manly forcefulness."

"You can call me 'Master' whenever you want," Draco replied, placing his hand firmly on Harry's buttocks.

Harry smiled bashfully, but continued, though slightly frazzled, "Er – anyway, he _does_ want Ginny.  He said something about unfinished business.  I don't know all the details, though.  This is sort of where you come in."  The duo sat beneath a leafless tree near the lake before Harry continued.  "You see, I sort of – er – lost Ginny's trust when I… well, after a couple of incidents…  But she trusts you – she doesn't know about our recent meetings yet."

Draco sat in silence for a moment as he thought about Ginny and the fine-looking young man sitting to his left.  Without warning, Harry's fingers gently entwined themselves with Draco's.  That sealed Draco's fate.  "I'll do it," he said.  "Now, tell me how I'm going to go about this…"

*~*~*

Beneath Harry's invisibility cloak, and confined to the canopied bed in the Gryffindor Girls' dormitory, Ginny laid, her glazed eyes wide-open.

Upon hearing footsteps approach her bed, Ginny dismissed it as the pattering of her fellow fifth-years, who had been in and out of the room throughout the day trying to find Ginny.  However, when she felt a frigid hand grasp her shoulder, her skin prickled in alert and fear.

"Ginny?" came the soothing drawl of Draco's voice, as he pulled off the cloak to reveal her fiery hair, and pallid face.

Ginny's mouth worked soundlessly as she tried to explain everything to Draco, until he pulled out his wand, and muttered something below his breath.  In the blink of the eye, Ginny's voice could be heard, "…_Petrificus Totalus_ on twelve people!  Then he left me up here with the wretched quill—"

"Shh…" Draco consoled as he embraced Ginny—and reached for the broken remains of Janet from beneath her pillow.  "You have to come with me," he continued.

"What?" she asked, pulling away a bit.

_Drat._  Draco thought to himself, then added hastily, "I know where that Potter is."  He spoke the sentence with feigned malice as he remembered Harry's supple, rosy cheeks…  _His face is pretty nice too_, he thought quickly to himself, blushing as he tried to amend his impure thought.

"Um…  Okay," Ginny agreed, as she stood shakily on the stone floor.  She grasped Draco's hand, which, fighting the urge to pull it away, Draco just left dangling by his side lifelessly.  "Draco?  Are you okay?" she ventured warily.

Remembering his mission, Draco gave Ginny's hand a, forced, squeeze; Ginny, however, seemed content.  She hummed as she swung their clasped hands and walked through the seemingly empty common room and out into the corridor.

Suddenly, she stopped.  Draco stiffened and asked, "What's the matter?"

"How?"

"Pardon?"  Draco asked quizzically.

"You know _right_ where I was.  _How_?" she demanded.

"Er…  A little bird told me?" Draco tried to joke.  Ginny, however, was having none of it.

"Did that little arse, Potter, tell you where I was?" she asked angrily.

Trying to think as quickly as he could, Draco answered, "Uh… yeah."  Then he had a stroke of brilliance; "Potty _actually_ believed I still liked him.  I got him to tell me everything!  Between us, I'd say we have enough info to get him expelled."

Ginny's face brightened considerably.  "Great!  Let's go tell Dumbledore right now—" she began.

"Erm—no.  We have to tell Potter what we have on him… just to crush his feelings."

"Ah!  Great," she said, kissing a repulsed Draco on the cheek.

*~*~*

"Where are we going?"  Ginny asked, eyeing the dripping passageway the duo happened to be treading skeptically.

"Harry's—er—Potter's lair.  Did you know he's been talking to his quill for _months_ because he believed that he was talking to Lord Voldemort?"  He laughed heartily.

"You-Know-Who isn't here, is he?" Ginny asked, panic gripping her voice.

Draco's heart rate spiked as he realized the foolishness of his statement.  He stayed silent for a moment; the only sound disrupting the silence being the dripping of water.  Then, he emitted a bit of nervous laughter, and said, "No!  Of course not… that's ridiculous.  Potter is just delirious, and a psycho."  A shiver ran up his spine, and Draco had the distinct feeling he was being watched.  He looked around himself, and upon seeing no one, shrugged slightly, and gave Ginny a gallant smile.  "C'mon.  Let's go…"

*~*~*

After what seemed like hours of trudging though what became an increasingly dank and subfusc* passageway, Draco and Ginny finally saw a pulsing glow at the end of the tunnel.

"Ah!  We're nearly there," Draco said, unable to mask his joy of being able to see his beloved again.

"Hm… what are you so excited about?" Ginny asked dully.  "Who knows what we'll find that idiot doing when we get to the end of the corridor?"

"I—I just can't wait to see his feelings crushed," Draco lied.

Moments later, Draco and Ginny stood alone in a vast cavern.

"Where the hell did this come from?"  Ginny asked.  "Hogwarts isn't built over a cave…  And we're not even underground!"

Draco had to admit, it was, indeed curious.  However, he refrained from answering, and began to peer around the room for any signs of Draco and/or Lord Voldemort.

Finally, with a 'poof,' and an extravagant amount of green smoke, Harry appeared from thin air, "Thanks, Master," he said quietly, so only Draco and Voldemort could hear.  He then shot Draco a look of loathing that took Draco's breath away.

The occupants in the cavern were silent a moment before Harry strode quickly forward to stand face-to-face with Draco.  "The trouble with being a Benedict Arnold is that you're never trusted," Harry spat.

Draco blinked a few times before saying, "Huh?"

Harry sighed exasperatedly and began to answer, "Benedict Arnold was an American—"

"We're _British_!" Draco exclaimed.  "How in the world am I supposed to understand obscure allusions to dead Americans?"

Looking incredulously at Harry, and then Draco, Ginny said, "I think I know what's going on…"

Rolling his eyes, Harry said, "Oh, sure, the brat's studied her history."

She cast a vicious glare in Harry's direction, but, for Draco's benefit, said, "Benedict Arnold was an American traitor who spied for the British during the Revolutionary War—"

"Whoop-de-do.  So some dead guy spied committed treason.  What does that matter to me?"  Draco cut in.

"You're dense," Harry said, for lack of better insult.

Meanwhile, Ginny continued, "—he was _caught_ and _hung_!"

"Oh," Draco said stupidly, comprehension dawning on him.

"Yeah!" Harry said.  "I _heard_ what you said about me in the common room and the passageway to this cavern."

Draco feigned a confused look, and asked innocently,  "What did I say?"

"Well, for one, you called me a psycho!"

"The truth hurts, buddy," Ginny muttered so no one could hear her.

"Yeah, okay, I _did_ say that…  But I have two things to say to you.  First, how did you year that?"

"I'm a freaking Parseltongue!" Harry exclaimed.  "I didn't trust you, and it was just my luck that my Master's pet snake, Nagini, can understand English.  She agreed to follow you, and repeated everything you said.  And believe me, my Master was none to happy to know that such things are being said about me around the school.  He chose me for this mission because he thought I'd attract the least amount of attention."

"That's all fine and dandy, but I have one other thing to say," Draco continued.  "I was trying to _lure_ Ginny to you—how else did you expect me to do it?  Did you want me to waltz up to her and say, 'Hey, Ginny, Harry's waiting down in some creepy-ass cave, and wants to sacrifice you to Lord Voldemort to do who-knows-what to your body'?  Oh yeah, _that_ would have been _wonderful_."

Sullenly, Harry said, "You could have said 'Tom Riddle' rather than Lord Voldemort…"

Without warning, the relative silence of the cavern was shattered as none other than Lord Voldemort descended from the ceiling with a sharp bang.

Harry rolled his eyes, and said in a disenchanted voice, "Master, I _told_ you—that doesn't look realistic when we can all see the rope you're hanging on!"

"Shut up, boy!  I've come to collect my dues," he said, cackling with malicious laughter.

"Wait a second…" Ginny said to herself.  "That voice!  That's the voice that was talking to me when I was under the invisibility cloak!"

"Right you are, m'dear," Voldemort said, hanging twelve feet short of the ground—his rope hadn't been quite as long as he thought it was.

"My, are you a dirty-talker," Ginny said, blushing.

Voldemort lifted a brow seductively, and said, "You know you liked it."

In return, Ginny suppressed a giddy giggle, and said to the red-eyed man defiantly, "It made me sick." 

Lord Voldemort cackled evilly, and said, "You're dismissed, Harry.  Your services are no longer needed."

Harry, Draco, and Ginny turned to exit the cave when the Voldemort's cold voice was heard saying, "Ah, ah, ah, Ginny!  I don't believe we've had enough time to discuss a few unsettled matters…"  He curled a finger, and some unseen force pulled Ginny to her captor, screaming.

Turning their backs once again on Lord Voldemort and, this time, Ginny, Harry and Draco once again made their way down the foreboding corridor, hearing Ginny's shrill screams soften with every step.

After several moments of traveling in silence, Draco, unable to contain himself, said, "I didn't mean those things, Harry!"

Harry merely glared stonily at Draco.

"I'm serious, Harry.  Before, I never knew how devious you were…  I love you!"

Harry whirled around, and continued walking down the corridor, and Draco's hopes for reconcilement dropped.  Suddenly, however, Harry turned to face Draco, a smile quirking his lips.  I knew you'd come around!"

With that, the two succumbed to the animal passion coursing through their veins…

*~*~*

Meanwhile, a similar scenario was unfolding in the cavern.

"Ginny, I know you can't forget what I did to you four years ago, but I hope you can forgive me," Lord Voldemort beseeched.

"I can _never_ forgive you!" she spat.

"Listen, I can't be held accountable for what the remnants of my teenage-self did to you!  It wasn't _my_ fault the poor boy had been without a woman for fifty years…"

"That is _NO_ excuse for seducing me!  I was only twelve!"

"Yes," he said as he gently kissed her lips, "You were only twelve, but you looked much, much older…"

Against her will, Ginny felt her knees go weak, however, she held out resolutely.  "I can't forgive you.  You shouldn't have left me…"

Silently, Voldemort wrapped his arms around Ginny.

"My…" she said.  "For such a skinny man, you sure are strong…"

She then surrendered herself to the man she had loved since the age of twelve…

FINIS


End file.
